Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.