@TheAlexP

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

@TheAlexP

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

@TheAlexP

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

@TheAlexP

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

@TheAlexP

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

@TheAlexP

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

@TheAlexP

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

@TheAlexP

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

@TheAlexP

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

@TheAlexP

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.