* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*