Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.