@TheAlexP

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

@TheAlexP

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

@TheAlexP

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

@TheAlexP

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

@TheAlexP

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

@TheAlexP

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

@TheAlexP

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

@TheAlexP

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

@TheAlexP

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

@TheAlexP

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.