Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.