I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
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I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Gods work.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!