CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
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Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Worst Native American name ever.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY