@TheWinegasm

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

@TheWinegasm

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

@TheWinegasm

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

@TheWinegasm

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

@TheWinegasm

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

@TheWinegasm

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”

@TheWinegasm

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.