@ThisOneSayz

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

@ThisOneSayz

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

@ThisOneSayz

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

@ThisOneSayz

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

@ThisOneSayz

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

@ThisOneSayz

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

@ThisOneSayz

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

@ThisOneSayz

*fooling around with husband*

Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?

Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!

@ThisOneSayz

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

@ThisOneSayz

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit