Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.