@WilliamAder

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

@WilliamAder

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

@WilliamAder

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

@WilliamAder

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

@WilliamAder

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

@WilliamAder

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

@WilliamAder

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

@WilliamAder

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.