@WilliamAder

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

@WilliamAder

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

@WilliamAder

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

@WilliamAder

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

@WilliamAder

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

@WilliamAder

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

@WilliamAder

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

@WilliamAder

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

@WilliamAder

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.