@WilliamAder

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

@WilliamAder

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

@WilliamAder

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

@WilliamAder

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

@WilliamAder

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

@WilliamAder

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

@WilliamAder

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

@WilliamAder

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

@WilliamAder

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.