Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order