The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.