@WilliamAder

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

@WilliamAder

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

@WilliamAder

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

@WilliamAder

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

@WilliamAder

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

@WilliamAder

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

@WilliamAder

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

@WilliamAder

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

@WilliamAder

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

@WilliamAder

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.