When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.