If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.