@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.