11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.


Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.


Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.


My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.


My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.


11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.


My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.



1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.


My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.


2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.