@_davidlucas_

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

@_davidlucas_

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

@_davidlucas_

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

@_davidlucas_

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

@_davidlucas_

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

@_davidlucas_

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

@_davidlucas_

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

@_davidlucas_

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.