@_wangwe

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

@_wangwe

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

@_wangwe

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

@_wangwe

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

@_wangwe

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

@_wangwe

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

@_wangwe

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

@_wangwe

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”

@_wangwe

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

@_wangwe

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.