Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!