banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
As a doctor, I can confirm
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
about to have the best blueberries of my life
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)