is this how new cars are made??
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
💁🏻♂️
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
This squirrel eats better than I do
kids play hide and seek like
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
somewhere, in an alternate universe
