This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
how to have fun when you’re poor
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
is this how new cars are made??
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
