Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I have two kinds of followers
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
At an art museum and I thought this was art
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day