Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
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Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Iâm not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Welcome to your 40âs: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I donât want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagramâŚwhere will i go now
you could post a photo of a celebrity like âshe looked so cool in the 90sâ and some freak will quote tweet it like âYeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.â and itâs like iâm sorry why would i know about that
i be like âcommunication is the keyâ then put my phone on do not disturb
I’d explain it to you, but I donât have any crayons with me.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he diedâŚ
Best mom ever đ
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? đ§đ
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk