@adult_mom

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

@adult_mom

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

@adult_mom

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

@adult_mom

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

@adult_mom

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

@adult_mom

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

@adult_mom

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

@adult_mom

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

@adult_mom

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.