Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.