The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.