@benedictsred

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

@benedictsred

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

@benedictsred

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

@benedictsred

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

@benedictsred

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

@benedictsred

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

@benedictsred

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

@benedictsred

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

@benedictsred

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.