@benedictsred

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

@benedictsred

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

@benedictsred

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

@benedictsred

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

@benedictsred

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

@benedictsred

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

@benedictsred

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

@benedictsred

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

@benedictsred

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.