Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.