Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart