Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
WTF
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”