My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish