@bigpoppadrunk

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

@bigpoppadrunk

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

@bigpoppadrunk

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

@bigpoppadrunk

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

@bigpoppadrunk

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it