Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.


*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.


I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.


I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’


Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.


Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.

Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…

Interviewer: Strengths?

Me: Vocabulary?