@capnwatsisname

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

@capnwatsisname

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

@capnwatsisname

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

@capnwatsisname

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

@capnwatsisname

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

@capnwatsisname

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

@capnwatsisname

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

@capnwatsisname

Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG

Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically

@capnwatsisname

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope