@capnwatsisname Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
@capnwatsisname 
@capnwatsisname a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
@capnwatsisname Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
@capnwatsisname Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
@capnwatsisname I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
@capnwatsisname Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
@capnwatsisname [invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
@capnwatsisname I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
@capnwatsisname Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
@capnwatsisname Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope