Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
*helping son with math problem*
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
*finally detangles ear buds
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.