You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
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You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Straight people are cancelled