Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger