Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
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[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
The Compass
That was easy.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.