@crunchenhanced

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

@crunchenhanced

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

@crunchenhanced

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

@crunchenhanced

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

@crunchenhanced

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.