Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
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Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Always the camel, never the toe.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!