stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
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Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Me in tagged photos
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
christening a ship with an overripe banana