*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
Au, got it. Next element.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.