@daemonic3

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

@daemonic3

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

@daemonic3

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

@daemonic3

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

@daemonic3

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

@daemonic3

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

@daemonic3

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

@daemonic3

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

@daemonic3

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

@daemonic3

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.