@dlockw21

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

@dlockw21

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

@dlockw21

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

@dlockw21

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

@dlockw21

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.

@dlockw21

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

@dlockw21

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

@dlockw21

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

@dlockw21

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

@dlockw21

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”