interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
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Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”