@dmc1138

Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

@dmc1138

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

@dmc1138

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

@dmc1138

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

@dmc1138

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

@dmc1138

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

@dmc1138

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

@dmc1138

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

@dmc1138

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

@dmc1138

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!