@dmc1138 Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
@dmc1138 @dmc1138 Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
@dmc1138 Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
@dmc1138 Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
@dmc1138 When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
@dmc1138 I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
@dmc1138 This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
@dmc1138 While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
@dmc1138 While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
@dmc1138 While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!