Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.