I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.