*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.