*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
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When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔