*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.