This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.