[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!