Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
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“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.