The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.