@elle91

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

@elle91

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

@elle91

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

@elle91

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

@elle91

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

@elle91

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

@elle91

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

@elle91

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat

@elle91

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

@elle91

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.