@emily_tweets

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

@emily_tweets

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

@emily_tweets

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

@emily_tweets

10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’

@emily_tweets

This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

@emily_tweets

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

@emily_tweets

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.