@flashember

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

@flashember

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

@flashember

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

@flashember

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

@flashember

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

@flashember

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

@flashember

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

@flashember

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

@flashember

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”