I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Mom: Oh no!
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️