It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide![]()
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs