@heyitsJudeD

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

@heyitsJudeD

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

@heyitsJudeD

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

@heyitsJudeD

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

@heyitsJudeD

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

@heyitsJudeD

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!