@iGreenGod I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
@iGreenGod 
@iGreenGod My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
@iGreenGod I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
@iGreenGod This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
@iGreenGod I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
@iGreenGod My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
@iGreenGod Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
@iGreenGod If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
@iGreenGod Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
@iGreenGod My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.