@iGreenGod

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

@iGreenGod

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

@iGreenGod

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

@iGreenGod

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

@iGreenGod

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

@iGreenGod

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

@iGreenGod

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

@iGreenGod

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

@iGreenGod

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

@iGreenGod

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.